The old fashioned train departs the station with a creaking sound, goosebumps creep along my skin and make me shiver. Squeezing through the iron track, those wheels that once were round, the train is all but smoothly dancing into heavy quiver.
I'm gazing out the blindish window, trying to catch a glimpse of land, my eyes find some auburn hills, looming largely upon the ghostly scene. The waitress is handing me a coffee which I grab with a shaking hand, showing how much I wish this wasn't true and would have never been.
My sad thoughts linger in the fusty air, neverending so it seems, fully aware of the imprisonment we share in this secure iron shell. The barren environment outside would torture to vastly extremes, any life that dared to seek natural freedom would be bound to hell.
I shake my head in disbelief and yet I know it's the mere truth I face, the earth we once have known will never be the same again. Crisscrossed over the surface of the blue planet, trace by trace, one can see the devastation ,the sheer destruction caused by man.
And as I sit there in my seat, seeking a destination in the unknown, cutting the distance in a steam steered monster hour after hour, a thousand more along with me who have been casually thrown into the train of survival like human petals of a shredded flower.
On the horizon the purple sun is slowly sinking into glooming dawn, it seems we're rushing right into another night of deep despair. On all the windows of the train those poor souls faces looking drawn, united in the hopeless feelings all of us are doomed to share.
And as we still are lost in life, at least what life is left in here, the constant murmurs of grief and loss all of a sudden hush. And face by face the looks of pain and sadness slowly disappear, people falling back to life, the once pale cheeks a happy blush.
Puzzled from the sudden change I scan the landscape for a cause, I try to find what they have seen to get a piece of happiness. And then my eyes light up in tears, right in front of me she was, the beautiful fairy of lost hopes, woven in a starlight dress.
She was believed to be a dream, a tale from sleepless childhood night, I never would have thought about that she could truely be. And yet she is and always was, she's makin everything alright, with spells so clearly spoken out, and through her eyes we see.
We get a glimpse of future days, a life that very soon will be, we hold each other by our hands - strength is flooding through. And every single one of us, feels hope that touches eternity, and swears from now on to live in peace. Oh yes, I hope we do.
I am watching you in silence, as if nothing was around, not the people, no machines and no heartrate warning sound. I can't touch you, smell and hold you, like the way it should have been, all I do is watching your heartbeat on the monitoring screen. I myself am barely breathing, cannot move, 'cause I don't dare - sit between the both of you, wondering what in life is fair.
Certainly, I find the answer, not that both of you are here, lonely, scared and with no warmth in a world of pain and fear. Both of you so very tiny, yet your perfect little hands, holding onto life so tightly with the will to walk those lands. Plastic windows seperate you from the love I have to give, desperately want to make you feel why it is worth to live.
Many days I spent here praying, giving up my heart and soul, longing for a single touch to feel my motherheart be whole, waiting for the little sign you need to give these people here, to allow me one caress that takes away your pain and fear. Endless minutes pile to hours, days and weeks that slowly pass, while I'm simply sitting here and watching you through the spotless glass.
Every night I have to leave your side to find some restless sleep, most of them there are no dreams and all I do is gently weep. Tears of desperation stream, that I can't cry when I'm with you, you would feel them and be scared - the last thing I would want to do. Darkness hours have no meaning, life is gone and all I feel, is the need to be with you, caught in nightmare's turning wheel.
They tell us that you both are strong and that you're fighting with all might, and I promise with my life, we always feel that they are right, even when you have to go through so much surgery and pain, my little boy, the one of you, I know you always will restrain, the hand of death that stretches out to take your life eternally, for you are mine, my child of love. Now, and you will always be.
Next to you she lays there breathing, calm as if she wants to say: „Baby brother, I am here and it is worth with me to stay!“ Smiling in her deepest sleep, feeling you are close to her, reassured you in her dreams about the future you will share. And you seem to hear her dreams, surrounding you in sisters love, as the days and weeks are passing, you get help from high above.
With an angel at your side you walk the hardest path on earth, make it past all deadly threats, knowing it for sure is worth, the pain and fight and all the tears - for only goodness is to be, a future – bright and full of sun and love and you and them and me. Every day now you grow stronger, soon I'll hold you by my heart, like it should have always been for you and me right from the start.
These were thoughts I had inside of me, for a time that seemed to be endless horror, full of darkness, hope and prayers said by me. They've been heard, my silent words, my fears have been replaced with awe, my children have been safed from death, which was a long time all i saw.
When I see you dancing around, both so happy day and night, I am simply full of joy and deeply thankful to the might, that held your hands and gave you strength, a wonder has been coming true:
The little handfull that you were grew into life for
You and You.
This Poem i dedicate to my little fighters, my personal heroes: My children. Born very prematurely in December 2006
Luis 890 gramms Emilia 725 gramms
There is always hope.
Smell the smell of fall, dear Lady! Look the beauty it shall bring. Feel the cold of trees so shady, hear the wandering birds, they sing... Cuddle into your fur cape, its getting colder, fresh winds blow! Soon the ice will cover lands, with a canvas of beautiful snow."
With these words he pulls her closer, holds her in his arms so tight. Standing there in awe and love, waiting for the softening light. Small fingers find his manly hand, holding on to all the love, where no words are needed further, both walk through the night above.
"Oh mylord, you need to safe me, yes I love the darkened call! Being with you always soothes, but I fear I soon might fall... With this silver fog around us, all I want is you aside, hold and lead me oh my Lord! As i cant see our path there right!"
As he hears her words so softly, spoken in the airs cool breeze, looks into her eyes light sadly where the fear of death he sees. So the Lord holds even tighter on to what he loves the most, tries to warm the lovely Lady from the coldness of a ghost.
As he leads her back to where he met her first this dawning day, he is struggling in his mind for all the words he wants to say. Once a year he gets the chance to tell her what he really feels, so at her grave, where she is standing, on the muddy earth he kneels.
"My dear Lady, how i miss, the times that once we both have shared! Oh I hate to let you go again without my heart is aired! Cant you stay and make me happy, my heart was never since the same! All day and night its more of breaking and my soul cries out your name!"
His head is buried in his hands, his body shaking as he cries, when she walked towards her husband so to hear his lonely sighs. A look into the brightly moonshine, as a last glance on this earth, she lays her hands down on his hair, so soft and calming are her words.
"Mylord, dont cry and make it harder, as you know I´m always there. And be sure I do remember every memory we both share! Now I need to go again, we´re granted this just once a year. But I´ll be at your side, my love! Dont doubt that and dont ever fear. Eternally I will be yours, beyond the moon and stars ... and life! And soon Mylord, your destiny will be what you so hardly strive."
With one last kiss on his dark hair, she vanishes into the silver night, and all that´s left for him in air, is the smell of her intriguing light. His tears fall bitter on her grave, reveal the desperate pain of love, the only whitness of this scene throws moonlight down from high above.
And as he walks back to the home, so dark and lonely called his place, he swears revenge upon the death, his heart filled with her loving grace. They found him dead the other day, his hand held still the bloody knife, that took away the pain and cold which lead his saddened lonely life.
Now every once a year you can go for a walk 'round Ravenclaw, that once was a proud fort known, lain on the windy Silvershore. And if you look there very closely in the snow of winterlight, you can see two pairs of feet, printing steps there ... side on side.
Imprisoned in a silver soul the gorgeous child of pain. Surrounded by dark loneliness, her crystal tears sustain the moaning that will drive her heart, and all of her insane.
The Lady shows that soul of steel, that once was a shimmering light, but life itself forced to reveal it naked to the darkest night. Wounded, hurt and shattered then one single tear she cried.
That vulnerable child so bare it felt, pushed down to deepest fall, set icy metal stone on stone and slowly built that wall. The silver wall around the heart, tearing the Lady and the child apart.
No one knows how much I missed, and how much I longed for you. without you I cannot exist, my love - too deep, too true.
We´ve been apart so many years, years of grief and pain. A million crystal uncried tears, stream down my throat again.
I cannot cry them - cannot weep, my soul is just too pale. Destroyed and shattered deep, so deep, No chance I could prevail.
One single touch inside my heart, from you would save my soul. Come back one day my other part, come back and make me whole.
I am watching you in silence as the morning sun paints your sleeping facial expressions on the canvas of your pillow like the heavenly artist it appears to be.
A soft smile on my lips sending imaginary warmth to surround your perfect body, lingering in the air as it would love to speak to you.
Despite the nothingness around the peaceful morning moment we share, you sigh ever so sweetly while my hand wipes a wisp of hair away, which was falling over you face, cutting it in two halfs, tickeling you out of your dream.
I want to burn this moment in my brain, a picture of love, a moment of our life I cherish so much. I inhale your lovely scent ; intoxicating me... I will never forget the blissful feeling suorrounding us this morning hour.
Soon, too soon I will have to leave your side, totally awake to the day and step into the bright sun that will be up to warm the world within the next few hours. Work is calling, my angel, my light.
Giving you one last tender kiss on your forehead before I rise, goosebumps on my skin, not knowing whether it was you or the fresh breeze blowing them upon me.
Another sweet sigh from you follows me out of bed and your sleepy smile says
„I love you, too.“
The lil' girl smells the rose in her hand, dreaming of sweet mother, on a cloud of love. Dancing happily through the warm sunlight, angels smiling on her from high above.
She does not hear the screaming blood, thats pouring like rain everywhere. Keeps dancing, with her smiling face, cruel world isn´t touching her.
While the world falls apart, the angels hope, the rose will set her free. Her soul shall be a seed of love, that grows a loving mothers tree.
The world to change is her destiny, protected by a lovely flowers pearl, when her strong love and faith will grow a flower garden on this world.
I called out for you but silent, for I could only reach your mind, With my words so sadly spoken, gently… soft… and very kind, Crossed my legs there in the grass of what we once called our land, You were all that I had hoped for, hear me! You’re what I demand!
Pain and anger on the silence, which completely sores my mind, Why have I been so ignorant, so absolutely numb and blind? Now I sit here on the ground, shattered on the watery meadow, Knowing what we once have had has only left a fainting shadow.
Why did we not walk together, hold and cherish what we had? Now we ended up as strangers, all that’s left is dark and sad? When did we go the wrong direction, chose the paths that lead nowhere? I wish I could turn back the time, to days when all we had was there.
Now I have to face without you, what a lover should not see, At least alone, one should not go there, for its kills eternally, What was meant to always live forever in our hearts and minds, As a shadow is remaining, always. And the moonlight shines.